Perhaps you remember me? You sent me an autographed photo and a nice letter for my 50th birthday a couple years ago. This was before you’d rolled out the whole “change” thing, but I was impressed nonetheless.
I have your picture up in my office, right next to a shot of Ron Insana.
Anyhow, now that you’ve locked up the nomination, it’s time to consider some personal change. You’re going up against a war hero and political veteran, and you’re going to need every vote you can muster. You’ve got to shed some of the intellectual patina and stop looking so darned poised all the time.
You can do it. Heck, Bill Clinton was a Rhodes Scholar who had the whole country calling him “Bubba” by the time he’d wooed his first intern. Ronald Reagan was one of Hollywood’s slickest pitchmen, but he morphed into a folksy, wood-chopping, jelly-bean-popping Everyman in the wink of a starlet’s eye.
I’m not suggesting plaid shirts here, but maybe you could come off the dark suits occasionally. Black, they say, is slimming, and you already look like a character from a Bill Cosby cartoon. And I don’t mean Fat Albert.
It’s summer – do you own anything in a linen or khaki? Go with me on this.
You’ve also got to start eating. Any politician worth his seasoning will tell you that the quickest way to the electorate’s heart is through your stomach. So far you look like you’re getting by on flaxseed and a little salad.
Get out to some baked bean suppers! Drop in on a Cub Scout Blue and Gold Banquet! Head south to where they even cook the greens in bacon!
Looking back on the primaries, I’d say you have some strategic eating to do. If you plan on winning Texas this fall, you need to get down there and try the beef barbecue. The ribs are good, but messy. Try a brisket sandwich and wash it down with a 24-ounce schooner. Don’t forget the slaw and pickle.
I can personally recommend Angelo’s in Fort Worth.
You’ve also got work to do in California. We’re talking Mexican food here, amigo. Don’t bother with the enchiladas and chimichangas – that’s for tourists and you’re out to prove yourself a man of the people.
Get a big bowl of menudo, the tripe soup and guaranteed hangover cure. You get through a helping of that, and the locals will start lining up for you, I promise.
Eventually, somewhere along the Hispanic trail, you’re going to have to eat a tamale. Do not, as President Ford once did on national television, attempt to eat the corn husk wrapper. You only want the insides. And remember: Although very tasty, a tamale is half pig cheek and half lard. Eat accordingly.
Finally, there’s Florida, which is mostly filled with old New Yorkers. Ask Hillary for advice.
I was pleased to see you try your hand at bowling during the primaries. I think you even shot a few hoops. Those are great All American sports, but if you can get a game of horseshoes in somewhere, it would be a perfect photo-op. We baby boomers are not getting any younger, you know, and seniors come out on Election Day in droves. Try a sport we can handle.
Avoid badminton, though. Nobody looks good playing badminton.
You’re not exactly dashing on a bike, by the way.
In closing, I would offer a few words of general advice. However alluring the opportunity, do not try to speak a foreign language in which you are not fluent. President Kennedy, you may recall, traveled all the way to Berlin to announce, “I am a jelly donut.”
He only got away with it because no one here speaks German!
Try to avoid posing on big pieces of construction equipment or military hardware. I know the temptation will be overpowering – you’re a guy, after all – but one bad photo can haunt you forever. Will we ever forget Mike Dukakis at the controls of a tank? No, sir.
In fact, if you can just not operate anything over the next five months, so much the better. I can still see President Bush the First marveling over that supermarket scanner. So don’t even drive, if you can avoid it. Floss only in private.
If you agree to a debate with Sen. John McCain, make sure to shave just before you go on. Try not to suggest that a condiment is a vegetable. Know how much a gallon of milk costs.
Finally, if you have to travel to a foreign land, keep your head down. There may actually be a sniper out there somewhere.
And that’s another good reason not to wear plaid.
Yours in change,
J.L. Kominicki
“…stop looking so darned poised all the time.” What? That’s one of the few things I like about him! Also the fact that he looks slim and trim.
I was hoping his sand bagging effort would have been less photo op and more substance. Will we ever get a President that knows how to get his hands dirty and get real with the people - That would be real change!