To beat inflation, bring home the bacon

Somewhere out there, the perfect American consumer is staring the spiraling cost of living in the face and saying, “What’s all the fuss?”

I base this on the results of the latest report by the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the folks who bring us the Consumer Price Index, one of the factors used by economists and Federal Reserve governors to gauge how much closer to hell our hand basket has traveled in the past month.

If it has traveled too far, they cut interest rates, which undermines the dollar overseas and drives up gas prices, which increases inflation.

(I don’t understand it either. Call Irwin Kellner.)

The Bureau of Labor Statistics looks at the prices of almost 85,000 items, including such key measures as home costs, gasoline and food, but the less obvious as well, right down to pet supplies, dry cleaning and a decent bottle of viognier.

That quintessential American shopper is a woman who managed to get a 4 percent or better pay raise this year, meaning her income is at least keeping pace with inflation. Ideally, she lives in a rent-controlled apartment or a home with a fixed-rate mortgage, preferably in a temperate climate that doesn’t require excessive amounts of home heating or air conditioning.

Our savvy consumer either works from home or in a metropolitan area that allows her to avoid commuting by car, lessening the effects of the 20 to 40 percent spike in fuel costs and motor oil the bureau measured over the past year. By comparison, public transportation was up a modest 2 to 3 percent.

I’m not sure of age, but she’s not elderly: Senior citizens spend twice as much on health care as other American consumers.

Why a female? Women’s clothing is a relative steal this year, with the cost of suits and separates off between 2 and 10 percent. Ditto women’s coats and accessories. She can save even more if she breaks type and does not spend twice as much on apparel as the average man, which is the norm.

There are also deals on linens and furniture – especially bedroom sets, which are down as much as 10 percent – as well as clocks, lamps, home décor, dishes and appliances. If she likes gardening, tools and outdoor equipment are also good buys at the moment.

Our perfect consumer has no children. Kids are increasingly expensive, with dental and health care costs, baby food, children’s shoes and child care all on the rise. Tuition is through the roof, especially at colleges and universities.

Our perfect shopper likely eats most meals at home, avoiding the climbing cost of dining out. The check at a sit-down restaurant is up at about the same rate as inflation, but fast food has increased by as much as 6 percent. The bureau notes that grab-and-go food is now 2.5 percent of all U.S. spending, up from 1.7 percent a decade ago.

Given the rising cost of bread and milk, it would be best if our ideal consumer had gluten allergies and suffered from lactose intolerance. An aversion to eggs, which have jumped in price because of growing European demand, would also help with savings.

The best food buys these days are citrus fruits and fresh vegetables, excluding tomatoes. On the protein front, it’s pretty much pork. Beef, veal, poultry and seafood are all up in cost, but swine is in decline. Eat as much bacon, sausage, ham, chops and all “other pork” as you’d like, according to the labor bureau’s numbers.

Sugar prices have also dropped, but the cost of candy and sweets has increased. Better have fruit for dessert, although not bananas, which have jumped in price by as much as 20 percent.

The good news: Wine and beer consumed at home has increased only slightly in cost, and less than the rate of inflation. Drinking out is not the deal it once was.

So better to buy a six pack and curl up at home with a good … TV program. The cost of a new television set is down sharply, and cable service increases are not keeping pace with inflation. Great deals can also be had on audio and sports equipment, cameras, musical instruments and sewing supplies, but books, newspapers and magazines are all more expensive.

Or, our perfect shopper might want to sign on to a new computer, the cost of which has declined markedly over the past year. Software, Internet access, cell phones and land lines have also posted cost cuts, according to the bureau’s research.

So there’s our dream consumer: A ribs-eating, childless homebody who watches too much TV and hangs out in chat rooms. On the flip side, she’s dressed to kill and probably has a real knack for decorating.

If you’re really out there, please call. You had me at “ribs.”