Suffolk County Comptroller Joseph Sawicki has hired Dowling College to study the possibility of Long Island’s seceding from New York to become the 51st state.
I would normally take Sawicki to task for squandering tax money on such a flight of fancy, but you know I’m a big fan of secession. My plan was to give Upstate New York to the Canadians, but let’s not quibble – this Commonwealth of Long Island thing just might be sound.
Besides, we haven’t heard much from Sawicki since he took down Michael Hollander for trying to increase tourist traffic to strip clubs.
I’ll warn you right here that secession will be expensive. Think of the millions of American flags that will have to be recalled to add that extra star. Imagine all the state quarter collector folders to be replaced at a low, low $24.95 plus tax. Ponder the cost of squeezing two more senators into an already cramped U.S. Capitol.
Could you suck it in a bit, Sen. Kennedy? Thanks.
There hasn’t been much talk lately about Puerto Rico’s becoming a state, but the last numbers I saw put the price tag at $9 billion. Adding Long Island State would likely be much pricier, especially if it’s done at prevailing wage, which I think automatically applies when you’re trying to join the union.
For starters, we need to get some new license plates. These are produced at very low cost in many states by using penitentiary labor, but I don’t think the busted pols and deadbeat dads in our county jails are up to the task. Until we incarcerate a better group of hard-bitten, nowhere-to-go felons – or at least catch Tomo Razmilovic – we’d better outsource this to a local business.
There are 3.6 autos per household on the Island, meaning we’ll need around 7 million plates, 8 million if you count NASCAR families. I happen to know that Northrop Grumman always has a bunch of scrap metal lying around – that’s why they branched out into the step van and canoe businesses – so let’s give them a call first.
I’d like the slogan on the plates to read “Where Robert Moses led his people.” It’s long, but it can be stamped in very small type. Don’t worry – the tailgaters will get close enough to read it.
Which brings us to the state song. New York’s official anthem, “I Love New York,” was composed by Steve Karmen, a commercial songwriter better known for such jingles as “This Bud’s For You” and the ever-popular “Nationwide Is On Your Side.”
Karmen donated “I Love New York” to the state, but he’s a Bronx native and I don’t think we can count on his largesse out here. My vote: Rock and Roll Hall of Famer Gary U.S. Bonds.
Gary lives on the Island and, given that his next big concert is at the Wildwood Convention Center, I’ll bet we could get him cheap. I’m thinking of a punchy R&B number to be called, “Brake Lights on the LIE.”
Give Sawicki a call, Gary.
Finally, there is the new Long Island Lottery to consider. I say we give it to the Shinnecocks, correcting centuries of mistreatment and putting an end to all the casino talk. And I vote to let the tribe keep the proceeds. It’ll cost us, but we’ll finally know where all that Quick Pick money is going.
With those decisions out of the way, we can get down to the important work of turning just about everything else into an “official” something. In the Army, they teach you to salute anything that moves and paint everything that doesn’t. In government, it’s tax the former and make the latter “official.” New York legislators have elevated this to an art form.
Beginning in the mid-1950s, when the rose and sugar maple were honored as official flower and tree, legislators have selected an official bird, insect, gem, shell, bush and animal, among many others.
New York even named the eurypterid as official state fossil.
There’s a joke there, but he’s an advertiser.
I couldn’t find mention of any official officialing last year, but in 2006 the folks in Albany did name the striped bass New York’s official state salt-water fish, equaling an honor bestowed upon the freshwater brook trout back in 1975.
So wither our new state? New York anointed the apple muffin as the state’s official baked good, but considering the aging Long Island population, I think we have to opt for bran. Uncle Wally’s, obviously.
New York chose the common snapping turtle as its official state reptile. We could go with Joey Buttafuoco. And while New York selected milk as its official beverage and Mount Marcy as its official highest place, Long Island Iced Tea could serve as both for us.
Of course, this all hinges on Dowling College’s research. Once the numbers are crunched, the chance exists that we might actually be better off remaining part of the Empire State.
Either way, I suggest we give Shirley to Jersey.
You’ll go with, Mr. Sawicki?
Up Front appears weekly in Long Island Business News.
This article was cute and funny up to the last comment. Shirley has been getting it unfair share of being kicked around. It is would actually a very pretty place to live if county stopped using it as it “dumping place” for anything or anyone other towns do not want.
Long Island may not receive its “fair share” of state tax revenue but that is hardly a reason to consider secession.
Long Island has a highly ineffective and inefficient Government structure.
Statehood would not benefit Long Island in the least unless it was combined with a total restructuring of its highly factonalized village and town government system.
Given that the State of New York is unlikely to abolish village and town governments (neither would Long Island) … but IF villages and towns could be abolished for a more efficient and less regulated, free market system with a consolidated and limited Government structure…well, Long Island would be much better off…released from the chains of a socialist and over-regulated State of New York.
I’m wondering about what happens to SUNY students and to those of our schools that are part of SUNY. And the state parks, too. Will New York give up all that nice real estate? And if Long Island owns it, will it all be developed into condos and malls?